Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Fanfare (or: testify, barfly after another saturday night)

there are no fans
no fanfare for the adoration
of the lonely man
standing there
his face in his hands
his heart on his sleeve
beware what he plans
he plans to tear them apart
from the inside out
they will scream and will shout
as he sings the lullabies
that keep them in the dark
of their loneliness
hungry for the spark
of something new
but the only thing new here
is you
i will


i found god
i did
i found him
i found god
he was not in church
he was in my nieces eyes
i found god
he was not in a book
he was in the morning sky
i found god,
he did not come with rules
he was in a fishing trip with my boy
i found god
he was definitely not in what the preacher said
he was not judgement on high
i found god
he was not the trojan horse
carried in words of people
who said that they did not judge but did often
who spoke of compassion but practiced it seldom
and had hard rules for gay folks that never would soften
who said they accepted
but did so with conditions
and so did so in damaging ways
i found god
he did not look down
from a shallow perspective
fraught with his own fears and judgmental ways
i found god
and he needed no money
and if he had it, he'd give each cent away
i found god
he was not promising virgins
buy he was giving free love away
i found god
he was not building armies
he was trying to keep hatred at bay
i found god
he wasn't sending down miracles
to prove a single damned thing in that way
i found god
it took forever to find him
nearly impossible for mankind to see
i found god
he was not the head of the household
in fact he wasn't even a he
i found god
he thought your borders were foolish
or he would have painted big labels
to keep them that way
i found god
he did not side with Israel or Palestine
but would prefer if they put the guns away
i found god
he was shocked by genital mutilation
in both the physical and psychological ways
i found god
he was not hurtful to others
in defense of his religion
in fact he'd rather no one would harm in his name
i found god
and he hated big talkers
"go do some actual good," he would say
i found god
not with capital letters
who sat on the level with me
i found god
he was not soaked in hubris
he was pure as a breeze on a hot summer day
i found god
and he was not demanding
but had hoped it wouldn't all go this way
i found god
astounded by false prophets
ones who swore they were prophets
and would read this and still swear
they hold the answers
shunning other false prophets away
and who quote words written by other false prophets
who swear its what god meant to say,
who kept his actual words or intentions at bay
because it didn't quite serve them
and that is the true sinner's way
i found god
he did not believe in enemies
he believed allies, and aid
i found god
he did not believe in 'owning' great riches
while others went hungry each day
i found god
he looked at me with sad eyes
and asked why men find what they want holy texts to say
and discredit everything that contradicts
and quote half truths and half facts
to prove that it 'must' be that way
i found god
he was very explicit
that 'actually' is the most damaging thing man can say
but of course thats something i shouldn't actually say
it's to dangerous to 'quote' him
certainly in black and white
what he means is most surely quite grey
i found god
i would not purport to put words in his mouth
but he a very sad sight to have seen
i found god
he was not in the word 'brother'
but he loved in a brotherly way
i found god
he was in a same sex couple with in utero children
who loved them exactly the same
and who would bring them up better
than the 'practicing christian'
and not damage their mind or soul along the way
and who would love them the same if straight or of gay
i found god
he did not say hurtful things to others
just because a book instructed him to think in that way
i found god
disappointed in his flock,
who had decided for everyone what he'd meant to say
and had missed the mark by a mile
and went far astray
i found god
he was sitting by a pile
of all of the religious books
and he was sobbing hard
and crying
in an inconsolable way
and i stood for awhile
and watched as his tears fell
in small drops
in contrition
and i could say nothing
since i also am human
and the burden of that failure
i cannot possibly shoulder today
i found god
he was absolute beauty
and absolute horror
to see him there so out of faith
i found god
and although i lived well by example
i looked on him and felt nothing but shame
i found god
but he had given up on you people
so completely
i just had to turn myself also sobbing
and shamefully just walk away....

i found god
buy i had no words to say
i found him and he was fragile
and i am not yet humble enough
to help him find the way
yes, i found god
but what could i say?
'sorry 'bout the assholes,
-have a nice day!'

mason jar

mason jar of memories
cool night and fall is upon us
lying flat on back
ceiling floats above with indignation
or disinterest
but the cat is licking himself
and the crab-apples rap tap tapping
a mason jar of blue beads
from back when she loved me
in the fall
and way before this all
shes got a
baby boy now
lives sick
something autoimmune
but he's smiley
makes me think of altered paths
2 roads in a wood
is a minute by minute divergence
every moment has many paths
might as well call it a dessert
any direction
any time
mason jar of water
good now and life settled slowly
and the bridge it
floated under
sheltered it from
lightning and thunder
put it in a jar
that sits here on the
table as she sleeps
beneath my stars
naked to me at least
the beast
if not also to her life
I can't help but thinking that
I've finally got it right
but can I keep it
is the question
that is tearing up my mind
and man it
tears me up
when she does
those things
so fine
but I'm still this creature
in a damp cave crawling
darkling deep inside
canned it up for
another long winter
mason jar with
candle lit
flickering lights
that flirt and flit
as I sit watching
ice form slowly
on the window
what's in store
and waiting
and scratch, the cat,  is
curled up warm inside
an old flannel shirt
on oaken floor
and she is looking up
from a book
with those burning eyes
wondering what I'm
thinking I surmise
but there are no lies
and there are no questions
just quiet noises washing
over subtle introspections
that shine so bright
as the fall day slips to night
mason jar of memories
mason jar of light
mason jar of thinking
mason jars of night
dark and hiding secrets
in the open void of light
and if life's mysteries are troublesome
and tear you up inside
twist and slide the subtle lid
see what waits
...and then just
hang on
for the ride


caught a ghost
the one that's in your head
caught it my sheets
caught it in my bed
and i don't know
where you've been
i've been here sleeping
by the impression
that you left

sweet girl
the sweet mouth
sweet as summer wind
heading south. mm
and left me here
the northern man
its getting colder
in this wind
on my face and hands

catch a tiger
catch a smile
catch a catch
for a little while
and you will go
slip into the wind
i'll still be here
for years on end
i'm sure after you've gone....

catching time
repairs to the boat
the man still there
in corduroy coat
catch the wind
but let it go
rooted down here
with nothing
to show

but the memory true
a trophy or two
that got thrown back
before the plaque
nothing here
but memory
nothing here
to show....

but then again
the birds returned;
spring is coming
so who knows....
who knows...