Fanfare (or: testify, barfly after another saturday night)

there are no fans

no fanfare for the adoration

of the lonely man

standing there

his face in his hands

his heart on his sleeve

beware what he plans

he plans to tear them apart

from the inside out

they will scream and will shout

as he sings the lullabies

that keep them in the dark

whimpering

of their loneliness

hungry for the spark

of something new

but the only thing new here

is you

and

i will

take

you

home

now

god

i found god

i did

i found him

i found god

he was not in church

he was in my nieces eyes

i found god

he was not in a book

he was in the morning sky

i found god,

he did not come with rules

he was in a fishing trip with my boy

i found god

he was definitely not in what the preacher said

he was not judgement on high

i found god

he was not the trojan horse

carried in words of people

who said that they did not judge but did often

who spoke of compassion but practiced it seldom

and had hard rules for gay folks that never would soften

who said they accepted

but did so with conditions

and so did so in damaging ways

i found god

he did not look down

from a shallow perspective

fraught with his own fears and judgmental ways

i found god

and he needed no money

and if he had it, he'd give each cent away

i found god

he was not promising virgins

buy he was giving free love away

i found god

he was not building armies

he was trying to keep hatred at bay

i found god

he wasn't sending down miracles

to prove a single damned thing in that way

i found god

it took forever to find him

nearly impossible for mankind to see

i found god

he was not the head of the household

in fact he wasn't even a he

i found god

he thought your borders were foolish

or he would have painted big labels

to keep them that way

i found god

he did not side with Israel or Palestine

but would prefer if they put the guns away

i found god

he was shocked by genital mutilation

in both the physical and psychological ways

i found god

he was not hurtful to others

in defense of his religion

in fact he'd rather no one would harm in his name

i found god

and he hated big talkers

"go do some actual good," he would say

i found god

not with capital letters

who sat on the level with me

i found god

he was not soaked in hubris

he was pure as a breeze on a hot summer day

i found god

and he was not demanding

but had hoped it wouldn't all go this way

i found god

astounded by false prophets

ones who swore they were prophets

and would read this and still swear

they hold the answers

shunning other false prophets away

and who quote words written by other false prophets

who swear its what god meant to say,

who kept his actual words or intentions at bay

because it didn't quite serve them

and that is the true sinner's way

i found god

he did not believe in enemies

he believed allies, and aid

i found god

he did not believe in 'owning' great riches

while others went hungry each day

i found god

he looked at me with sad eyes

and asked why men find what they want holy texts to say

and discredit everything that contradicts

and quote half truths and half facts

to prove that it 'must' be that way

i found god

he was very explicit

that 'actually' is the most damaging thing man can say

but of course thats something i shouldn't actually say

it's to dangerous to 'quote' him

certainly in black and white

what he means is most surely quite grey

i found god

i would not purport to put words in his mouth

but he a very sad sight to have seen

i found god

he was not in the word 'brother'

but he loved in a brotherly way

i found god

he was in a same sex couple with in utero children

who loved them exactly the same

and who would bring them up better

than the 'practicing christian'

and not damage their mind or soul along the way

and who would love them the same if straight or of gay

i found god

he did not say hurtful things to others

just because a book instructed him to think in that way

i found god

disappointed in his flock,

who had decided for everyone what he'd meant to say

and had missed the mark by a mile

and went far astray

i found god

he was sitting by a pile

of all of the religious books

and he was sobbing hard

and crying

in an inconsolable way

and i stood for awhile

and watched as his tears fell

in small drops

in contrition

and i could say nothing

since i also am human

and the burden of that failure

i cannot possibly shoulder today

i found god

he was absolute beauty

and absolute horror

to see him there so out of faith

i found god

and although i lived well by example

i looked on him and felt nothing but shame

i found god

but he had given up on you people

so completely

i just had to turn myself also sobbing

and shamefully just walk away....

i found god

buy i had no words to say

i found him and he was fragile

and i am not yet humble enough

to help him find the way

yes, i found god

but what could i say?

'sorry 'bout the assholes,

-have a nice day!'

mason jar

mason jar of memories

cool night and fall is upon us

lying flat on back

ceiling floats above with indignation

or disinterest

but the cat is licking himself

contently

and the crab-apples rap tap tapping

a mason jar of blue beads

from back when she loved me

in the fall

and way before this all

shes got a

baby boy now

lives sick

something autoimmune

but he's smiley

makes me think of altered paths

2 roads in a wood

is a minute by minute divergence

every moment has many paths

might as well call it a dessert

any direction

any time

mason jar of water

good now and life settled slowly

and the bridge it

floated under

sheltered it from

lightning and thunder

put it in a jar

that sits here on the

table as she sleeps

beneath my stars

naked to me at least

the beast

if not also to her life

I can't help but thinking that

I've finally got it right

but can I keep it

is the question

that is tearing up my mind

and man it

tears me up

when she does

those things

so fine

but I'm still this creature

in a damp cave crawling

darkling deep inside

canned it up for

another long winter

mason jar with

candle lit

flickering lights

that flirt and flit

as I sit watching

ice form slowly

on the window

contemplating

what's in store

and waiting

and scratch, the cat,  is

curled up warm inside

an old flannel shirt

on oaken floor

and she is looking up

from a book

with those burning eyes

wondering what I'm

thinking I surmise

but there are no lies

and there are no questions

just quiet noises washing

over subtle introspections

that shine so bright

as the fall day slips to night

mason jar of memories

mason jar of light

mason jar of thinking

mason jars of night

dark and hiding secrets

in the open void of light

and if life's mysteries are troublesome

and tear you up inside

twist and slide the subtle lid

see what waits

inside...

...and then just

hang on

for the ride

catch

caught a ghost

the one that's in your head

caught it my sheets

caught it in my bed

and i don't know

where you've been

i've been here sleeping

by the impression

that you left

sweet girl

the sweet mouth

sweet as summer wind

heading south. mm

and left me here

the northern man

its getting colder

in this wind

on my face and hands

catch a tiger

catch a smile

catch a catch

for a little while

and you will go

slip into the wind

i'll still be here

for years on end

i'm sure after you've gone....

catching time

repairs to the boat

the man still there

in corduroy coat

catch the wind

but let it go

rooted down here

with nothing

to show

but the memory true

a trophy or two

that got thrown back

before the plaque

nothing here

but memory

nothing here

to show....

but then again

the birds returned;

spring is coming

so who knows....

who knows...